To Tell You About Hannah

Is to tell you about the loss of innocence, mine. The innocent ideal that once pg, nine months = baby, the naivete that there is any "safe" point.

Hannah was my second loss. My first one had been so early and so unexpected, I dealt with things somewhat pragmatically. I didn't entertain the thought it would happen again - these things happen. That was what they told me - and at this point in my life, it was easy to believe them. I was told to "get pg again right away - all would be okay" and while my heart ached, I still believed them. Something so sad, so wrong, could not possibly happen again - could it?

I was elated, though hesitant at first. We did the things we had to do to conceive - the charting, the clomid, the timing and we succeeded. I held the secret close - not wishing to tempt fate, waiting to pass the "safe point". And then I was past that and I felt more secure and I divulged my secret, not thinking that I shouldn't, not thinking that all was not going as it should, or wouldn't. I believed, I hoped, I had that confidence that only comes from not knowing otherwise.

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Julia is the contributing editor for Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. She writes daily at Life After Infertility and Loss where she covers all of her children--the ones who are here and the ones who are gone.

Tread Softly, For You Tread on My Dreams

I have been pregnant thirteen times.

No, I don’t have thirteen children.

Seven of my pregnancies ended way before they were supposed to. Before my belly got large; before I really could feel them moving inside of me; before other people knew.

Nobody else saw my babies, but they saw my tears. They didn’t understand. They told me it was better I wasn’t further along. I was told that my babies weren’t really babies – just a blob of tissue and stuff. They said just get pregnant again. They didn’t see my heart was aching – they held it in their hands and squeezed it tighter – closed their fists around it and squeezed so hard it ran through their fingers and didn’t realize it. They told me at least I already had a child.

When I kept having miscarriages they said why don’t you just stop? Why don’t you just count your blessings? Maybe this is G-d’s way of telling you that you weren’t meant to have more children. Then they said I must be really strong - because this was happening to me, or because they thought I needed to buck it up, I often wondered.

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Julia is the contributing editor for Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. She writes daily at Life After Infertility and Loss where she covers all of her children--the ones who are here and the ones who are gone.

Julia S's Story

Julia is the contributing editor for Early Pregnancy Loss. She writes daily at Life After Infertility and Loss where she covers all of her children--the ones who are here and the ones who are gone.

Who am I? Good question - I ask myself this every time I see myself in the mirror. I guess you could say I am "middle aged" - 40 in November. Though - I certainly don't think middle aged. Born the oldest of a Marine Corps helicopter pilot and his creative, slightly hippie, Liberal Arts major wife; oldest of 8. I sing, I sew - read like I can't get enough words.

I got married in 1992 and we both wanted a big and quick family. The big we got - the quick, not so much. A little annovulation and a low sperm count landed us in the doctor's office after a year of ttc with no joy. Some clomid, BBT charting and well timed intercourse later we achieved our first pregnancy. Delivered a live baby at 39 weeks. Got pregnant again on Clomid a year later and promptly miscarried. Then I miscarried again. And again. Live baby. Miscarried again. And again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Seven miscarriages all by 12 weeks. The reasons are varied and not certain, some just suspected - blighted ovum, late implantation, ectopic-non-tubal, heterotopic (uterine and tubal pg), low progesterone, placental blood clot. The answers - not so clear. Been through much of the acronym gamut - TTC, BBT, FSH, TSH, ANA, SA, Lap, HSG, ad nauseum . . .

Somehow I ended up with 6 amazing children - they came with their own set of acronyms as well - BHcg, Prog, BA, LTCS, NICU, SCU, PICU, PPD, etc. . . and some scary moments (abrupting placenta previa anyone?), but somehow we pulled it off.

After 13 pregnancies it isn't clear whether I really suck at this pregnancy thing or not. At any rate - it is good I am not superstitious as I am no longer on active ttc duty. My particular brand of reproduction and endometriosis landed me at the door of another acronym -TAH, total abdominal hysterectomy, and I go under the knife once more in September '08 to remove my somewhat flaky uterus. The BBT has been retired and I am just trying to get on with life . . . after.