Views From This Side of Using Donor Eggs

I have talked with or read posts from many people who have adopted either conventionally or used donor eggs or sperm and they all say the same thing, "It doesn't matter at all! This is our child 1000%"

Really? Does it really not matter at all? Why do we try so hard to have our biological children if it really doesn't matter? Perhaps the view from here really is just that much different than the view with your baby in your arms - no matter how that child came to be yours. I can imagine feeling just like these parents in the end (although I think I would say it hardly matters at all), but I just can't completely accept / believe it from this side of the fence.

Here is what I do see from here.

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Kami is the contributing editor for Donor Eggs. She writes daily at The Other Side where she covers life with her new daughter, LB, the little butterfly.

Genetics Don't Matter

Yeah, seems a convenient declaration from a woman whose eggs suck! Seems a no brainer I'm saying this with such careless conviction. But you might agree I thought this way before I was told to find eggs from someone else's basket.

When 3 days after my 41st birthday I received a call from my Gyn that my FSH was 12.8, I did fast homework on what that meant before seeing my first RE a month later.

I'll never forget it, I sat in bed on Friday night and consumed every shred of anecdotal and scientific material Google could conjure up on high FSH in women beyond 40 and it wasn't good. Within hours I decided I wouldn't even try with my eggs. Invest wisely, I thought, and go straight for the good eggs. I wanted a baby MUCH more than I wanted genetic offspring.

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No Eggs in This Basket is a guest blogger for Bridges.

Our Wonderful (Likely) Egg Donor

Note: In later posts I "out" these two individuals - "L" becomes Leah and "Miss D" becomes Belinda.

I met her three days ago. We had talked on the phone twice over the last several weeks. The conversations went pretty well considering what we were discussing. I liked that she seemed to act the way I think I would act in her position. I also think I acted the way she would act were she in my position. She assured me I could as any questions I wanted and didn't want me to be uncomfortable. I told her I expected to be uncomfortable at times, but I was okay with that. It was important to find a good match. "Good," was her reply.

We made arrangements to meet at our mutual friend's house. I came to know our mutual friend, L, only about 6 months ago. We came together through our shared experience with infertility. Shortly after our third failed IVF cycle I let her know we were not happy with our clinic's donor program and were attempting to find our own donor. I asked her (and everyone else I knew) to please keep an eye out for someone kind of like me who might be willing to be our donor. She immediately thought of "Miss D" who was about my height, hair and eye color.

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Kami is the contributing editor for Donor Eggs. She writes daily at The Other Side where she covers life with her new daughter, LB, the little butterfly.

G-d Who Foresaw Your Tribulation

Edited from Life in the White House:

The doctor called yesterday morning (5/4/08) with the results of the testicular biopsy: Matt has no sperm.

So we've had some time to grasp the reality that we won't be able to have biological children, just barely grasping it. I am one of those people who think about every possible circumstance before they happen, Matt is not.

Matt doesn't like to think about anything until it becomes unavoidable to do so. Yesterday, he lay on the couch all day and just vegged. Today, he is angry and frustrated. I can tell because he won't sit still. He's cleaned the house and is now asleep on the couch with the dogs. That's how he deals with things: Works himself to exhaustion and then falls asleep.

I honestly don't know how soon it will be before we can talk about this. I told Matt that I am leaving all of this to him. When he's ready to talk we will, when he's ready to think about our other options we will. I told him that the decision to go ahead with a donor sperm or with adoption are up to him. I feel like that is the least I can do, the only thing I can do, is to give him some control over all of this. So please pray for patience for me. It takes Matt a lot longer to work through things than me.

Before we received the final diagnosis of azoospermia, I was against the idea of donor sperm. To me it seemed as though I was betraying Matt, just to have a child. I could care less if a child is biologically related to me. What I wanted was to see all the wonderful things of Matt in a child: His eyes, his sense of humor, his lips, the way he acts. Now that won't happen, I think that's what I'm "mourning" more than anything: That I will never see him in a child. I don't know if that's the same for all women dealing with azoospermia.

One of the reasons that I would consider donor sperm is to experience a pregnancy. The other option for that route is embryo adoption, but with that there is no guarantee of a live birth...and it's probably more money. Also, it's kind of weird to think about how there is a completely biological family out there. I mean that's the same with adoption and donor sperm, but for some reason it is more blatant to me with an embryo.

I guess, ultimately, if I want to experience pregnancy and birth (which I really want to do) we will have to go the route of donor sperm. Do we continue to add to our family through donor sperm (preferably with the same donor)? I know I would like to adopt, but I don't know how many times we would be able to afford all of this (donor and adoption). We’ve always wanted 3 or 4 kids.

I know I feel very strongly about adoption and feel very strongly called to adopt a little girl from China and a newborn baby through domestic adoption.

The decisions that we need to make about all of this are: How important is it to both of us to experience a pregnancy and birth and how important is it to both of us to experience a newborn baby. I think that first year of life is so precious; that it is most definitely something I want to experience.

Jess is the contributing editor for Donor Insemination. She writes daily at Life in the White House.

The Road Less Travelled

Edited from Life in the White House:

We went for our first RE appt and we were really impressed with the place and pleased with the people. The doctor had looked at our info and decided that IVF with ICSI was our only option due to Matt’s 1st SA results. We went on: Matt did a 2nd SA, I had blood work and U/S done. We're good to go: "Call us on CD1, so we can send the meds on CD21".

20 minutes after we leave...Matt’s cell rings: SA #2 shows NO sperm. IVF is now on hold until he has a testicular biopsy and we get those results. Now we don't know where we stand...obviously no IVF. We'll be waiting at least a month before the TB...to find out whether or not we can even have children.

Matt is so devastated (he's already having a lot of depression issues since he's not working because of his back); this on top of everything is killing him. He's already told me he doesn't understand why I'm still here...how he can't give me a child or work because of his back.

I'm beyond upset by the results, but I'm more worried about him and how hard he's taking. GRR!!! Why couldn't this be easier?!

We talked a little bit about what we'll do if there are no sperm. Donor sperm is not an option for us. I just do not feel comfortable with having a child that is mine and some other man's: Just feels too much like I cheated on Matt to have a baby. Matt did say though that he doesn't want to rush right in to adoption; that he wants to wait a while. I agree 100%: We need time, if no sperm is the case, to mourn our never having kids.

Right now I'm just dealing with my own anger, fears, and frustrations. I certainly have no idea what God's plan is in this...or why teenagers and crack-heads can get pregnant at the drop of a hat, but stable, married couples can't. Obviously I'm really struggling with that: The injustice. I try not to doubt God's plan, but it's hard when this one thing makes it seem completely flawed and illogical.

Matt has every reason to be someone who has given up all hope for anything: But he hasn't. After the past two years of IF and year of pain (back) he's been beaten down in life further than any other man I know. The two biggest things for men are to be able to provide for their family and to protect them: Matt can't work and we can't have a family.

Friday (2/1/08) night was scary though. I got home from work and it was obvious that Matt hadn't done much other than lay on the couch. The house smelled of BO, stale smoke, and liquor. I had asked him how many glasses of wine he had and he said 1. At this point he got up off the couch and locked himself in the bathroom with the shower running. I kept trying to talk to him and he wouldn't respond. After 30 minutes of this I told him if he didn't open the door I was going to bust it down. He unlocked it. I went in and he was just laying on the bathroom floor...curled on the floor, naked. We just sat there for a long while. He just burst into tears:

Finally it came out...all his fears and anger at all that is going on in our life. How he promised my father that he would protect me, take care of me, and provide for me and how he can't do that: How he's worthless and a failure. It broke my heart, because I know in part his emotions are my fault. I try to be understand and supportive, but there are times when I get frustrated too and I vent and I shouldn't.

We've since called both of our parents and told them the results. No one knows what to say to us, other than the "I'm sorry". I don't even want to talk to anyone about it. I mostly just want to ignore everyone and become a hermit. There's just so much anger in me.

Jess is the contributing editor for Donor Insemination. She writes daily at Life in the White House.

Jess's Story

Jess is the contributing editor for Donor Insemination. She writes daily at Life in the White House.

My husband and I met nine years ago, in high school: He was in band and I was doing a recitation for a piece they were playing. It took almost another year before either of us got up the nerve to ask out the other. Five and half years later we were married, this November we’ll be married three years.

We’ve always wanted a big family. We both have 1 brother and 1 sister, but wanted more than 3 children for ourselves. People told us we were crazy when we said we wanted 4, 5, or 6 kids. We never, seriously, thought we’d have problems having children. My in-laws tried for 6 years to have kids before getting pregnant naturally with all 3 of theirs: My father in law had a varicocele, which they think was the problem. We knew we might have some issues, but never thought we would never have fully biological children.

On May 3 (2008), we received a phone call from my husband’s urologist with the results of his testicular biopsy: There were no sperm present in the testes and no sperm were being produced. My husband was officially sterile and could not have children, with no explanation as to how or why. We were devastated. We thought they would find some sperm and that we would be able to continue with IVF/ICSI. Now we were faced with the several choices: donor sperm, embryo adoption, or domestic/international adoption.

We had always planned on adopting internationally when we were older (you have to be 30 to adopt from China: We have 4 years to wait). We didn’t want to wait 4 more years, after already trying for almost 3. While we are saving for adoption we don’t have enough money to go forward with that just yet. The obvious choice for us became donor sperm.

The urologist had been suggesting donor sperm all along, but I was VERY uncomfortable with the idea of another man’s sperm being in my body, that I was somehow cheating on my husband. My husband, while disappointed at the reality of not having a child of his own, was all right with the idea of donor sperm. After a few months and lots of discussions we decided that donor sperm was the best choice for us, at this time.

Yes, we’re still saddened by the reality that we will never see a child that has features of both of us, that I will never had a child with my husband’s eyes, but you move forward.

We’ve just had our first unsuccessful medicated (100mg Clomid; Ovidrel; Crinone) donor IUI (DIUI). We’ve given ourselves a limit as to how many IUIs we’ll do, but already we know that we’ll do what we have to build our family.

The Question of Genetics

An original post for Bridges:

As someone who has had to personally come to terms with never having a genetically related child, I often ponder how much of an influence genetics have on a person's behaviors, interests and aptitudes. It is the old "nature vs. nurture" debate although I think that is a poor phrase given that it is pretty well established that it is both nature and nurture. With the current study of epigenetics - how a gene's activity is influenced by environment - the issue becomes even more muddied.

It is an important issue when it comes to alternate means to family building - whether it is through the use of donor gametes or through adoption. I think most of us would prefer our mutually (if there is a partner) genetic child. How easily an individual or couple is able to accept or choose this alternate path depends a great deal on how they (and sometimes the extended family) feel about the importance of genetics.

Since I follow many donor egg blogs as well as a few donor sperm and donor embryo blogs, I have seen this question answered many ways. From the couple who decides no children is better than a child that is not the product of their genes to the couple who jumps right on the adoption or donor gamete bandwagon at the first sign of trouble to everything in between. I am always fascinated by the reasons behind these decisions.

As time goes on, I hope to bring together varying opinions and personal choices from the donor egg and donor gamete community to present here on Bridges, but first I would like to hear from our readers.

• Why do genes matter in building a family? What would be hard for you? What was hard for you if you have faced this question?

• Why do they not matter? Was it or would it be easy for you to let go of genetically related child?

• If you have both a genetically related child and an non-genetically related child, what is the same? What is different?

• How do genes matter? How much of an impact do you think genetics has on a person's behavior, interests and aptitudes?

• How do your thoughts on the last question influence your thoughts on the previous ones?

If you have read this post, you know that I struggled with the choice to use donor eggs. In a nutshell, I feel that genes play a very big role in who a person is. It was (is?) hard for me to let go of having that kind of influence on our child(ren). But that's just me. What do you think?

Kami is the contributing editor for Donor Eggs. She writes daily at The Other Side where she covers life with her new daughter, LB, the little butterfly.

The Retrieval Story

It was nothing short of magical. It was also bizarre and like nothing else I have ever experienced. I remember Brad and me sitting on either side of Belinda as we waited out the mandatory one hour post procedure recovery time. How did we get here? How did we come to be supporting (in her recovery) this absolutely wonderful woman who just donated her eggs and yet was a complete stranger just under 3 months ago? How did we come to embrace the woman (ie "the egg donor") we absolutely did not want in our life? It's crazy and surreal and almost 48 hours later I still can't get my mind around it.

Brad and I woke up at 4:00 AM because we needed to drive an hour to pick up Belinda and then another hour to get to the clinic and still arrive not too much after 7:00 AM. Belinda didn't need to be there until 8:00 but both Brad and I were supposed to be there at 7:00. This makes it all start out feeling very odd. Usually Brad goes in at 7:00 and then we both go back for my retrieval. But here we are - the three of us - all with our own appointments - trying to make a baby together.

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Kami is the contributing editor for Donor Eggs. She writes daily at The Other Side where she covers life with her new daughter, LB, the little butterfly.

Kami's Story

Kami is the contributing editor for Donor Eggs. She writes daily at The Other Side where she covers life with her new daughter, LB, the little butterfly.

A biography about someone dealing with infertility always seems to include at least two things: age(s) and treatment(s). For the unlucky, they also includes dates and ages of lost children. For the lucky, they will include dates when live children were born. I am now happy to call myself both unlucky and lucky. Before I get to the raw stats, I will give you a little more about myself – outside of infertility.

I am a bit of a geek and a little bit granola. I love to dance and bike. Those two activities and going for long walks nearly daily probably kept me out of a straight jacket during our trying to conceive years. I also enjoy reading – especially science fiction. My husband and I have joked that our Little Butterfly will need to learn to read by three months so we can all go to the local café and have a quiet evening together.

I should mention that we have a daughter whom we affectionately call Little Butterfly or LB for short. She was conceived after a dozen IUI's (one resulting in a miracle baby who also miraculously died shortly after birth), 4 failed fresh IVF cycles (two early miscarriages, one marginal chemical) and one successful donor egg cycle with a known donor.

Did we wait too long? Maybe, but more likely we waited to long to seek treatment. I was 34 when we first started trying to conceive. We waited a year and a half to learn that we had severe male factor infertility and were told IVF with ICSI was our only option. We did IUI instead and got lucky on our second IUI. After Ernest was born and died, we tried IUI's for another year thinking his conception a fluke. It was. By the time we moved to IVF with ICSI, I had just turned 38.

I am married to the love of my life, Brad. I think we have a wonderful partnership that has managed to survive and flourish even while dealing with loss and infertility. We are happily discovering how it feels to be parents after LB was born on June 20, 2008.

She Looks Just Like You

Our daughter is now six weeks old – six weeks of experiencing what we had dreamed about for almost seven years. It is still unreal to me, to us, and yet it has happened. All the agonizing we did about using DE and how we would feel was mostly washed away over a year ago when we finally decided on this route and now that the little one is here I truly understand how all our fears meant nothing. I do not feel that oh she’s not genetically mine, that doesn’t bubble up at all. I look into her eyes and think here is a tiny human being and we have been trusted to care for her and give her roots so that when she grows her wings and flies away she’ll also be firmly grounded.

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Why Not Me is a guest blogger on Bridges.