I have talked with or read posts from many people who have adopted either conventionally or used donor eggs or sperm and they all say the same thing, "It doesn't matter at all! This is our child 1000%"
Really? Does it really not matter at all? Why do we try so hard to have our biological children if it really doesn't matter? Perhaps the view from here really is just that much different than the view with your baby in your arms - no matter how that child came to be yours. I can imagine feeling just like these parents in the end (although I think I would say it hardly matters at all), but I just can't completely accept / believe it from this side of the fence.
Here is what I do see from here.
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Kami is the contributing editor for Donor Eggs. She writes daily at The Other Side where she covers life with her new daughter, LB, the little butterfly.
Showing posts with label Kami. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kami. Show all posts
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Our Wonderful (Likely) Egg Donor
Note: In later posts I "out" these two individuals - "L" becomes Leah and "Miss D" becomes Belinda.
I met her three days ago. We had talked on the phone twice over the last several weeks. The conversations went pretty well considering what we were discussing. I liked that she seemed to act the way I think I would act in her position. I also think I acted the way she would act were she in my position. She assured me I could as any questions I wanted and didn't want me to be uncomfortable. I told her I expected to be uncomfortable at times, but I was okay with that. It was important to find a good match. "Good," was her reply.
We made arrangements to meet at our mutual friend's house. I came to know our mutual friend, L, only about 6 months ago. We came together through our shared experience with infertility. Shortly after our third failed IVF cycle I let her know we were not happy with our clinic's donor program and were attempting to find our own donor. I asked her (and everyone else I knew) to please keep an eye out for someone kind of like me who might be willing to be our donor. She immediately thought of "Miss D" who was about my height, hair and eye color.
Click here to continue reading...
Kami is the contributing editor for Donor Eggs. She writes daily at The Other Side where she covers life with her new daughter, LB, the little butterfly.
I met her three days ago. We had talked on the phone twice over the last several weeks. The conversations went pretty well considering what we were discussing. I liked that she seemed to act the way I think I would act in her position. I also think I acted the way she would act were she in my position. She assured me I could as any questions I wanted and didn't want me to be uncomfortable. I told her I expected to be uncomfortable at times, but I was okay with that. It was important to find a good match. "Good," was her reply.
We made arrangements to meet at our mutual friend's house. I came to know our mutual friend, L, only about 6 months ago. We came together through our shared experience with infertility. Shortly after our third failed IVF cycle I let her know we were not happy with our clinic's donor program and were attempting to find our own donor. I asked her (and everyone else I knew) to please keep an eye out for someone kind of like me who might be willing to be our donor. She immediately thought of "Miss D" who was about my height, hair and eye color.
Click here to continue reading...
Kami is the contributing editor for Donor Eggs. She writes daily at The Other Side where she covers life with her new daughter, LB, the little butterfly.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
The Question of Genetics
An original post for Bridges:
As someone who has had to personally come to terms with never having a genetically related child, I often ponder how much of an influence genetics have on a person's behaviors, interests and aptitudes. It is the old "nature vs. nurture" debate although I think that is a poor phrase given that it is pretty well established that it is both nature and nurture. With the current study of epigenetics - how a gene's activity is influenced by environment - the issue becomes even more muddied.
It is an important issue when it comes to alternate means to family building - whether it is through the use of donor gametes or through adoption. I think most of us would prefer our mutually (if there is a partner) genetic child. How easily an individual or couple is able to accept or choose this alternate path depends a great deal on how they (and sometimes the extended family) feel about the importance of genetics.
Since I follow many donor egg blogs as well as a few donor sperm and donor embryo blogs, I have seen this question answered many ways. From the couple who decides no children is better than a child that is not the product of their genes to the couple who jumps right on the adoption or donor gamete bandwagon at the first sign of trouble to everything in between. I am always fascinated by the reasons behind these decisions.
As time goes on, I hope to bring together varying opinions and personal choices from the donor egg and donor gamete community to present here on Bridges, but first I would like to hear from our readers.
Kami is the contributing editor for Donor Eggs. She writes daily at The Other Side where she covers life with her new daughter, LB, the little butterfly.
As someone who has had to personally come to terms with never having a genetically related child, I often ponder how much of an influence genetics have on a person's behaviors, interests and aptitudes. It is the old "nature vs. nurture" debate although I think that is a poor phrase given that it is pretty well established that it is both nature and nurture. With the current study of epigenetics - how a gene's activity is influenced by environment - the issue becomes even more muddied.
It is an important issue when it comes to alternate means to family building - whether it is through the use of donor gametes or through adoption. I think most of us would prefer our mutually (if there is a partner) genetic child. How easily an individual or couple is able to accept or choose this alternate path depends a great deal on how they (and sometimes the extended family) feel about the importance of genetics.
Since I follow many donor egg blogs as well as a few donor sperm and donor embryo blogs, I have seen this question answered many ways. From the couple who decides no children is better than a child that is not the product of their genes to the couple who jumps right on the adoption or donor gamete bandwagon at the first sign of trouble to everything in between. I am always fascinated by the reasons behind these decisions.
As time goes on, I hope to bring together varying opinions and personal choices from the donor egg and donor gamete community to present here on Bridges, but first I would like to hear from our readers.
- Why do genes matter in building a family? What would be hard for you? What was hard for you if you have faced this question?
- Why do they not matter? Was it or would it be easy for you to let go of genetically related child?
- If you have both a genetically related child and an non-genetically related child, what is the same? What is different?
- How do genes matter? How much of an impact do you think genetics has on a person's behavior, interests and aptitudes?
- How do your thoughts on the last question influence your thoughts on the previous ones?
Kami is the contributing editor for Donor Eggs. She writes daily at The Other Side where she covers life with her new daughter, LB, the little butterfly.
Monday, September 15, 2008
The Retrieval Story
It was nothing short of magical. It was also bizarre and like nothing else I have ever experienced. I remember Brad and me sitting on either side of Belinda as we waited out the mandatory one hour post procedure recovery time. How did we get here? How did we come to be supporting (in her recovery) this absolutely wonderful woman who just donated her eggs and yet was a complete stranger just under 3 months ago? How did we come to embrace the woman (ie "the egg donor") we absolutely did not want in our life? It's crazy and surreal and almost 48 hours later I still can't get my mind around it.
Brad and I woke up at 4:00 AM because we needed to drive an hour to pick up Belinda and then another hour to get to the clinic and still arrive not too much after 7:00 AM. Belinda didn't need to be there until 8:00 but both Brad and I were supposed to be there at 7:00. This makes it all start out feeling very odd. Usually Brad goes in at 7:00 and then we both go back for my retrieval. But here we are - the three of us - all with our own appointments - trying to make a baby together.
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Kami is the contributing editor for Donor Eggs. She writes daily at The Other Side where she covers life with her new daughter, LB, the little butterfly.
Brad and I woke up at 4:00 AM because we needed to drive an hour to pick up Belinda and then another hour to get to the clinic and still arrive not too much after 7:00 AM. Belinda didn't need to be there until 8:00 but both Brad and I were supposed to be there at 7:00. This makes it all start out feeling very odd. Usually Brad goes in at 7:00 and then we both go back for my retrieval. But here we are - the three of us - all with our own appointments - trying to make a baby together.
Click here to continue reading...
Kami is the contributing editor for Donor Eggs. She writes daily at The Other Side where she covers life with her new daughter, LB, the little butterfly.
Kami's Story
Kami is the contributing editor for Donor Eggs. She writes daily at The Other Side where she covers life with her new daughter, LB, the little butterfly.
A biography about someone dealing with infertility always seems to include at least two things: age(s) and treatment(s). For the unlucky, they also includes dates and ages of lost children. For the lucky, they will include dates when live children were born. I am now happy to call myself both unlucky and lucky. Before I get to the raw stats, I will give you a little more about myself – outside of infertility.
I am a bit of a geek and a little bit granola. I love to dance and bike. Those two activities and going for long walks nearly daily probably kept me out of a straight jacket during our trying to conceive years. I also enjoy reading – especially science fiction. My husband and I have joked that our Little Butterfly will need to learn to read by three months so we can all go to the local café and have a quiet evening together.
I should mention that we have a daughter whom we affectionately call Little Butterfly or LB for short. She was conceived after a dozen IUI's (one resulting in a miracle baby who also miraculously died shortly after birth), 4 failed fresh IVF cycles (two early miscarriages, one marginal chemical) and one successful donor egg cycle with a known donor.
Did we wait too long? Maybe, but more likely we waited to long to seek treatment. I was 34 when we first started trying to conceive. We waited a year and a half to learn that we had severe male factor infertility and were told IVF with ICSI was our only option. We did IUI instead and got lucky on our second IUI. After Ernest was born and died, we tried IUI's for another year thinking his conception a fluke. It was. By the time we moved to IVF with ICSI, I had just turned 38.
I am married to the love of my life, Brad. I think we have a wonderful partnership that has managed to survive and flourish even while dealing with loss and infertility. We are happily discovering how it feels to be parents after LB was born on June 20, 2008.
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