The Girl Who Knew Too Much

The thought of surrogacy fleetingly crossed my mind a time or two before Frank and I ever attempted pregnancy for ourselves. Then we battled against IF and I learned about fear. If not for that struggle I might still be here today as a surrogate, but I know that my mental position would not be the same.

Dare I say that infertility has become almost a cursed blessing of sorts? Infertility is a curse no matter how you look at it, but I have come far enough past my personal strife that I can recognize the ways in which my character has been shifted for the better. I love stronger. I try harder. I empathize deeper, and therein lies the curse. Empathy is funny like that; it is an attractive personality trait to have, but at the same time, when you're that close to the root of what empathically connects you to another's struggle, you can wake up and find yourself in a very dark place.

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Kymberli is the contributing editor for Surrogacy (Surrogate Point-of-View). She writes daily at I'm a Smart One where she chronicles her life as a gestational surrogate after her own struggle with infertility.

The Miseducation of Jezebel James

As with the topic of infertility, how the media portrays surrogacy has long been a point of contention among those involved in the respective communities. The media has a knack for latching on to either Wow, that's freakin' AWESOME! or What the flying flip were they thinking? surrogacy stories, such as the 51-year old who delivered her grandchildren or the recent whacked out Florida traditional surrogacy custody battle. Because of the narrow window through which the media portrays surrogacy, the general population is often left with negative or somewhat warped impressions. Therefore, I am somewhat concerned about how surrogacy will be portrayed in the TV series The Return of Jezebel James (which premieres tonight on FOX at 8pm) and this spring's big screen movie Baby Mama (which opens in April and features Tina Fey).

My hackles have already been raised by the synopses of both the show and the movie. In both, the intended mothers are single, successful, career-driven women who are met with unfamiliar failure when they finally attempt to check Have a baby off of their Great Things to Do lists. The polar opposite surrogates are younger, spirited, somewhat unsettled, and are more than a few rungs below the IMs on the socioeconomic status ladder. I fear that because both the series and the movie perpetuate these stereotypes, the unwitting public will be left with the subconsious ideas that women who "do that IVF thing" are mostly older, affluent, Type-A personality singles and that most surrogates are flighty ditzes who "do it for the money."

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Kymberli is the contributing editor for Surrogacy (Surrogate Point-of-View). She writes daily at I'm a Smart One where she chronicles her life as a gestational surrogate after her own struggle with infertility.

Gayby Boom

Miraculously, I've discovered another great article about surrogacy - The Gay Baby Boom, and this one is an excellent read on so many different levels. Found on Details.com, the online version of a popular men's magazine:

"The stereotypical image of the American gay man—single, fabulous, social, and up for endless anonymous sex—is giving way to a new norm, one that has couples and even unattached gay men settling down to raise children. Statistics are hard to come by, but academics, doctors, lawyers, and gay advocacy groups say that there appears to be a boom in homosexual men having babies. And as with many trends, the increase in gay fathers has afforded its own terminology: the gayby boom."

I write at great length about surrogacy as an option for infertiles, but surrogacy is also gaining prevalence as a family-building option for gay couples and singles. Though surrogacy in general and surrogacy for the GLBT community specifically are still subject to harsh criticism and gross misunderstandings, I am glad that we live in a day and age when it is becoming increasingly accepted to be who you are, love who you choose, and not have to do so at the expense of giving up your ability, nay, your right to parent.

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Kymberli is the contributing editor for Surrogacy (Surrogate Point-of-View). She writes daily at I'm a Smart One where she chronicles her life as a gestational surrogate after her own struggle with infertility.

Bellymommy

On November 21, 2007, I posted a new ad in the Gestational Surrogacy classifieds at SMO.

On December 2, I received a reply from a European potential intended mother (IM) named Mia explaining that in the last ten years, she and her husband Urs had only achieved four pregnancies, all of them lost to miscarriage, to include a devastating loss at 22 weeks. The culprit - an immunological incompatibility which causes her body to attack the placenta. Her tone was warm, kind, and enthusiastic. The email was short, but I was already getting the feeling that things would be moving in a positive direction. In one of the next few emails, Mia said this:

I hope that our surrogate will become a close friend of us and that we have a lot of contact, during the surrogacy- journey and later on. I think it is very important for the child to meet its bellymommy (I don't know if this is the right expression in English). I would tell the child very much about the surrogate mother (of course, because she is a member of our family) and I very much hope that there will be a close relationship between surrogate mother and the child. It is also her child- without her loving gift the child wouldn't exist. This kind of thankfulness I want to mediate to our child.

It is difficult to exactly define, but to me, my relationship with my surroson Sam and any future surrobabies feels more like that of "aunt" (for lack of a better existing word) than "mother." Many intended mothers (IMs) quite understandably are uncomfortable with a surrogate feeling as if the child they carry is also theirs. This idea of Mia's and Urs' child borne through me also being my own reaches far beyond my personal viewpoint on the relationship between me and my surrogate children. But the fact that they have this concept as a part of their expectations is tenderly endearing and comforting as a surrogate. Many of us fear being cut off completely after the delivery. "Thanks for the baby, it was good while it lasted. Sayonara, sweetheart, you're not needed anymore." I have unfortunately seen it happen many times over the years, and a primary cause of this is intimidation of the surrogate's continued relationship with the child or children. The fact that Mia and Urs not only expected, but encouraged a close relationship between surrogate and child spoke volumes. I was smitten.

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Kymberli is the contributing editor for Surrogacy (Surrogate Point-of-View). She writes daily at I'm a Smart One where she chronicles her life as a gestational surrogate after her own struggle with infertility.

Kymberli's Story

Kymberli is the contributing editor for Surrogacy (Surrogate Point-of-View). She writes daily at I'm a Smart One where she chronicles her life as a gestational surrogate after her own struggle with infertility.

Kymberli is an eighth grade English teacher and her husband, Frank, is a stay-at-home father to their four children, as well as their nephew of whom they have guardianship. After 2.5 years of trying to conceive naturally without success, Kymberli was diagnosed with anovulation. With the assistance of Clomid, she was able to conceive twins and two singleton pregnancies. Before conceiving her fourth child, she was given a full and proper diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome with Insulin Resistance (PCOS/IR).

As a parent after infertility, Kymberli wanted to help other couples as a way of paying it forward: “I know that we were incredibly blessed; had Frank and I needed a surrogate, I can only hope that someone would have wanted to help us in the way I want to help others.” She has been actively involved in the online surrogacy community since 2002. In March 2006, as a gestational surrogate she delivered a healthy baby boy to a wonderful pair of intended parents. In addition to being the Bridges contributing editor for surrogacy, she also writes about parenting after infertility and her continued surrogacy experiences at I’m a Smart One.