The Girl Who Knew Too Much

The thought of surrogacy fleetingly crossed my mind a time or two before Frank and I ever attempted pregnancy for ourselves. Then we battled against IF and I learned about fear. If not for that struggle I might still be here today as a surrogate, but I know that my mental position would not be the same.

Dare I say that infertility has become almost a cursed blessing of sorts? Infertility is a curse no matter how you look at it, but I have come far enough past my personal strife that I can recognize the ways in which my character has been shifted for the better. I love stronger. I try harder. I empathize deeper, and therein lies the curse. Empathy is funny like that; it is an attractive personality trait to have, but at the same time, when you're that close to the root of what empathically connects you to another's struggle, you can wake up and find yourself in a very dark place.

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Kymberli is the contributing editor for Surrogacy (Surrogate Point-of-View). She writes daily at I'm a Smart One where she chronicles her life as a gestational surrogate after her own struggle with infertility.

When You Care Enough to Send the Very Best

I'm not sure what to think about this. Hallmark has a series called "Cards with real words for real life." If you go on their website one of the options is "Help Cope with trying to get pregnant, having a miscarriage or an aging parent." The above card is Hallmark's answer to showing support for an infertile friend or family member.

Now on the one hand, I see this as a breakthrough in mainstream media to include a card about infertility. It is getting the topic out of the shame closet and showing how prevalent this problem is and that it's okay to say something to an infertile person instead of running for the hills because you are too uncomfortable with it. So I do applaud this. But my first reaction to the card was a big giggle at how cheesy this seemed. Saying it with a hallmark card has never really been my style anyway, but I tried to think hard and honestly about how I would feel if I got this in the mail from a friend. Would I be really happy that a friend thought of me or would I feel like this was a lame way of avoiding talking with me about it?

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Tabi is the contributing editor for Surrogacy (Intended Parent). She writes and posts images at The ART of Being Infertile.

The Miseducation of Jezebel James

As with the topic of infertility, how the media portrays surrogacy has long been a point of contention among those involved in the respective communities. The media has a knack for latching on to either Wow, that's freakin' AWESOME! or What the flying flip were they thinking? surrogacy stories, such as the 51-year old who delivered her grandchildren or the recent whacked out Florida traditional surrogacy custody battle. Because of the narrow window through which the media portrays surrogacy, the general population is often left with negative or somewhat warped impressions. Therefore, I am somewhat concerned about how surrogacy will be portrayed in the TV series The Return of Jezebel James (which premieres tonight on FOX at 8pm) and this spring's big screen movie Baby Mama (which opens in April and features Tina Fey).

My hackles have already been raised by the synopses of both the show and the movie. In both, the intended mothers are single, successful, career-driven women who are met with unfamiliar failure when they finally attempt to check Have a baby off of their Great Things to Do lists. The polar opposite surrogates are younger, spirited, somewhat unsettled, and are more than a few rungs below the IMs on the socioeconomic status ladder. I fear that because both the series and the movie perpetuate these stereotypes, the unwitting public will be left with the subconsious ideas that women who "do that IVF thing" are mostly older, affluent, Type-A personality singles and that most surrogates are flighty ditzes who "do it for the money."

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Kymberli is the contributing editor for Surrogacy (Surrogate Point-of-View). She writes daily at I'm a Smart One where she chronicles her life as a gestational surrogate after her own struggle with infertility.

An Outlaw Called "Intended Parent"

I never quite thought baby making for me would enter this new terrain of law, morality, and intention. Who knew I would have to add lawyer to my long list of reproductive attendants. Isn't doctor, nurse, IVF coordinator, embryologist, pharmacist, blood technician, early morning cab drivers, fertility yoga instructor, acupuncturist, insurance representative, and surrogacy agency enough?

I, as an "Intended Parent," have every intention of having a baby. Is that so wrong? Did I ever think I'd have to be on the run, like some bandit outlaw? For those who haven't had the pleasure of cracking the shell of surrogacy, every state of our United States has a particular opinion on surrogacy that dictates how and whether it can be done. (Click here to see a breakdown of state surrogacy laws) Unfortunately, my state of New York may accept all sorts of characters within its borders but it does not allow for surrogacy. So the story goes that in July of 1993, the legislature passed Article 8, Section 122 of the Domestic Relations Laws of New York. This law states that surrogate parenting agreements in New York are void, unenforceable and against public policy.

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Tabi is the contributing editor for Surrogacy (Intended Parent). She writes and posts images at The ART of Being Infertile.

Tabi's Story

Tabi is the contributing editor for Surrogacy (Intended Parent). She writes and posts images at The ART of Being Infertile.

My misfit uterus has settled down on the ultimate island of misfits -- Manhattan. Just like those misfit toys in the Rudolf movie, New Yorkers are not standard-issue. Like others I have found here, I've never felt like I work exactly as the instructions say. I never really took a straight path with my career. I struggled through my 20s to find a life partner and finally found one at 33, and now I battle infertility. But instead of returning us to the manufacturers, we can find refuge on an island that accepts us for who we are. There is some comfort in knowing that you can find ample amounts of women in NYC who marry later in life, who have kids later in life, or choose never to marry or have children. Everyone seems to have a red honker guiding their own sleigh to where we want to be. It's not to say that my battles with infertility have not made me want to shout on every rooftop,"Why me and nobody else!!" But at the very least, New York City is a lover of misfit-hood. It's not a surprise I live here.

But the blogsphere has opened up a whole other kind of home. There is a tremendous healing in knowing people's silent battles are being heard. My trials with infertility began in 2006 when we decided to try to start a family. I was turning 35 and feeling a little on edge about getting pregnant but decided to dive in and try. I didn't know how much drowning would be involved. After a year of trying naturally we began fertility treatments. Several IUI/Clomid cycles later, we decided in 2007 to opt for the big guns and try IVF. Nothing can compare to the joy we felt with a positive beta. Nothing. But as you can imagine what a high that was, you can imagine how far I fell when we discovered it was ectopic. After a long torturous recovery, we tried another IVF and to our relief I got pregnant again in my uterus, my misfit uterus! But this was not going to be the fairy tale we hoped for. I miscarried at 7 weeks right in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner. Yup, thanks for nothing. I began blogging after this loss as I felt like writing would be the only way to get this anguish out. People all around me were progressing with work and popping out babies and living normal lives while I felt in total isolation. Just me and my best friend the internet. So I decided I wanted to write and I wanted to visually capture some of these emotions and experiences that were happening to me. So my blog, The Art of Being Infertile, is my canvas (writing, photography, video, graphics, craft) and a way to find community.

In 2008, I chronicled my third IVF and all the hopes that went with it. But we learned that lightening can strike twice. I got a 2nd ectopic (this time in the opposite tube) and had to get surgery to remove the pregnancy. Now 3 losses and many tears later, I start a new road as an intended parent in hopes that surrogacy might be our answer. Blogging really came as a big relief for me through all of this and will continue to be as I move forward. I am just beginning my road to surrogacy and like all other obstacles I have already plowed through, somehow you adjust to the ebb and flow of this insanity. As I stated on my very first blog post, "I have come to see that even though there is clearly an art to getting pregnant - scientifically, philosophically, and divinely - there is the other side of the coin. After my multiple IVFs and pregnancy losses, after countless wrestling matches with anger and despair, after blowing a kiss good-bye to my notions of fairness and yet still showing up for my doctor appointments, after somehow retaining some sense of dignity after countless indignities, I have never more strongly believed that there is truly an art to being infertile."

Gayby Boom

Miraculously, I've discovered another great article about surrogacy - The Gay Baby Boom, and this one is an excellent read on so many different levels. Found on Details.com, the online version of a popular men's magazine:

"The stereotypical image of the American gay man—single, fabulous, social, and up for endless anonymous sex—is giving way to a new norm, one that has couples and even unattached gay men settling down to raise children. Statistics are hard to come by, but academics, doctors, lawyers, and gay advocacy groups say that there appears to be a boom in homosexual men having babies. And as with many trends, the increase in gay fathers has afforded its own terminology: the gayby boom."

I write at great length about surrogacy as an option for infertiles, but surrogacy is also gaining prevalence as a family-building option for gay couples and singles. Though surrogacy in general and surrogacy for the GLBT community specifically are still subject to harsh criticism and gross misunderstandings, I am glad that we live in a day and age when it is becoming increasingly accepted to be who you are, love who you choose, and not have to do so at the expense of giving up your ability, nay, your right to parent.

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Kymberli is the contributing editor for Surrogacy (Surrogate Point-of-View). She writes daily at I'm a Smart One where she chronicles her life as a gestational surrogate after her own struggle with infertility.

Bellymommy

On November 21, 2007, I posted a new ad in the Gestational Surrogacy classifieds at SMO.

On December 2, I received a reply from a European potential intended mother (IM) named Mia explaining that in the last ten years, she and her husband Urs had only achieved four pregnancies, all of them lost to miscarriage, to include a devastating loss at 22 weeks. The culprit - an immunological incompatibility which causes her body to attack the placenta. Her tone was warm, kind, and enthusiastic. The email was short, but I was already getting the feeling that things would be moving in a positive direction. In one of the next few emails, Mia said this:

I hope that our surrogate will become a close friend of us and that we have a lot of contact, during the surrogacy- journey and later on. I think it is very important for the child to meet its bellymommy (I don't know if this is the right expression in English). I would tell the child very much about the surrogate mother (of course, because she is a member of our family) and I very much hope that there will be a close relationship between surrogate mother and the child. It is also her child- without her loving gift the child wouldn't exist. This kind of thankfulness I want to mediate to our child.

It is difficult to exactly define, but to me, my relationship with my surroson Sam and any future surrobabies feels more like that of "aunt" (for lack of a better existing word) than "mother." Many intended mothers (IMs) quite understandably are uncomfortable with a surrogate feeling as if the child they carry is also theirs. This idea of Mia's and Urs' child borne through me also being my own reaches far beyond my personal viewpoint on the relationship between me and my surrogate children. But the fact that they have this concept as a part of their expectations is tenderly endearing and comforting as a surrogate. Many of us fear being cut off completely after the delivery. "Thanks for the baby, it was good while it lasted. Sayonara, sweetheart, you're not needed anymore." I have unfortunately seen it happen many times over the years, and a primary cause of this is intimidation of the surrogate's continued relationship with the child or children. The fact that Mia and Urs not only expected, but encouraged a close relationship between surrogate and child spoke volumes. I was smitten.

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Kymberli is the contributing editor for Surrogacy (Surrogate Point-of-View). She writes daily at I'm a Smart One where she chronicles her life as a gestational surrogate after her own struggle with infertility.

Kymberli's Story

Kymberli is the contributing editor for Surrogacy (Surrogate Point-of-View). She writes daily at I'm a Smart One where she chronicles her life as a gestational surrogate after her own struggle with infertility.

Kymberli is an eighth grade English teacher and her husband, Frank, is a stay-at-home father to their four children, as well as their nephew of whom they have guardianship. After 2.5 years of trying to conceive naturally without success, Kymberli was diagnosed with anovulation. With the assistance of Clomid, she was able to conceive twins and two singleton pregnancies. Before conceiving her fourth child, she was given a full and proper diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome with Insulin Resistance (PCOS/IR).

As a parent after infertility, Kymberli wanted to help other couples as a way of paying it forward: “I know that we were incredibly blessed; had Frank and I needed a surrogate, I can only hope that someone would have wanted to help us in the way I want to help others.” She has been actively involved in the online surrogacy community since 2002. In March 2006, as a gestational surrogate she delivered a healthy baby boy to a wonderful pair of intended parents. In addition to being the Bridges contributing editor for surrogacy, she also writes about parenting after infertility and her continued surrogacy experiences at I’m a Smart One.