Edited from Life in the White House:
The doctor called yesterday morning (5/4/08) with the results of the testicular biopsy: Matt has no sperm.
So we've had some time to grasp the reality that we won't be able to have biological children, just barely grasping it. I am one of those people who think about every possible circumstance before they happen, Matt is not.
Matt doesn't like to think about anything until it becomes unavoidable to do so. Yesterday, he lay on the couch all day and just vegged. Today, he is angry and frustrated. I can tell because he won't sit still. He's cleaned the house and is now asleep on the couch with the dogs. That's how he deals with things: Works himself to exhaustion and then falls asleep.
I honestly don't know how soon it will be before we can talk about this. I told Matt that I am leaving all of this to him. When he's ready to talk we will, when he's ready to think about our other options we will. I told him that the decision to go ahead with a donor sperm or with adoption are up to him. I feel like that is the least I can do, the only thing I can do, is to give him some control over all of this. So please pray for patience for me. It takes Matt a lot longer to work through things than me.
Before we received the final diagnosis of azoospermia, I was against the idea of donor sperm. To me it seemed as though I was betraying Matt, just to have a child. I could care less if a child is biologically related to me. What I wanted was to see all the wonderful things of Matt in a child: His eyes, his sense of humor, his lips, the way he acts. Now that won't happen, I think that's what I'm "mourning" more than anything: That I will never see him in a child. I don't know if that's the same for all women dealing with azoospermia.
One of the reasons that I would consider donor sperm is to experience a pregnancy. The other option for that route is embryo adoption, but with that there is no guarantee of a live birth...and it's probably more money. Also, it's kind of weird to think about how there is a completely biological family out there. I mean that's the same with adoption and donor sperm, but for some reason it is more blatant to me with an embryo.
I guess, ultimately, if I want to experience pregnancy and birth (which I really want to do) we will have to go the route of donor sperm. Do we continue to add to our family through donor sperm (preferably with the same donor)? I know I would like to adopt, but I don't know how many times we would be able to afford all of this (donor and adoption). We’ve always wanted 3 or 4 kids.
I know I feel very strongly about adoption and feel very strongly called to adopt a little girl from China and a newborn baby through domestic adoption.
The decisions that we need to make about all of this are: How important is it to both of us to experience a pregnancy and birth and how important is it to both of us to experience a newborn baby. I think that first year of life is so precious; that it is most definitely something I want to experience.
Jess is the contributing editor for Donor Insemination. She writes daily at Life in the White House.
Showing posts with label Jess. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jess. Show all posts
Monday, October 20, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
The Road Less Travelled
Edited from Life in the White House:
We went for our first RE appt and we were really impressed with the place and pleased with the people. The doctor had looked at our info and decided that IVF with ICSI was our only option due to Matt’s 1st SA results. We went on: Matt did a 2nd SA, I had blood work and U/S done. We're good to go: "Call us on CD1, so we can send the meds on CD21".
20 minutes after we leave...Matt’s cell rings: SA #2 shows NO sperm. IVF is now on hold until he has a testicular biopsy and we get those results. Now we don't know where we stand...obviously no IVF. We'll be waiting at least a month before the TB...to find out whether or not we can even have children.
Matt is so devastated (he's already having a lot of depression issues since he's not working because of his back); this on top of everything is killing him. He's already told me he doesn't understand why I'm still here...how he can't give me a child or work because of his back.
I'm beyond upset by the results, but I'm more worried about him and how hard he's taking. GRR!!! Why couldn't this be easier?!
We talked a little bit about what we'll do if there are no sperm. Donor sperm is not an option for us. I just do not feel comfortable with having a child that is mine and some other man's: Just feels too much like I cheated on Matt to have a baby. Matt did say though that he doesn't want to rush right in to adoption; that he wants to wait a while. I agree 100%: We need time, if no sperm is the case, to mourn our never having kids.
Right now I'm just dealing with my own anger, fears, and frustrations. I certainly have no idea what God's plan is in this...or why teenagers and crack-heads can get pregnant at the drop of a hat, but stable, married couples can't. Obviously I'm really struggling with that: The injustice. I try not to doubt God's plan, but it's hard when this one thing makes it seem completely flawed and illogical.
Matt has every reason to be someone who has given up all hope for anything: But he hasn't. After the past two years of IF and year of pain (back) he's been beaten down in life further than any other man I know. The two biggest things for men are to be able to provide for their family and to protect them: Matt can't work and we can't have a family.
Friday (2/1/08) night was scary though. I got home from work and it was obvious that Matt hadn't done much other than lay on the couch. The house smelled of BO, stale smoke, and liquor. I had asked him how many glasses of wine he had and he said 1. At this point he got up off the couch and locked himself in the bathroom with the shower running. I kept trying to talk to him and he wouldn't respond. After 30 minutes of this I told him if he didn't open the door I was going to bust it down. He unlocked it. I went in and he was just laying on the bathroom floor...curled on the floor, naked. We just sat there for a long while. He just burst into tears:
Finally it came out...all his fears and anger at all that is going on in our life. How he promised my father that he would protect me, take care of me, and provide for me and how he can't do that: How he's worthless and a failure. It broke my heart, because I know in part his emotions are my fault. I try to be understand and supportive, but there are times when I get frustrated too and I vent and I shouldn't.
We've since called both of our parents and told them the results. No one knows what to say to us, other than the "I'm sorry". I don't even want to talk to anyone about it. I mostly just want to ignore everyone and become a hermit. There's just so much anger in me.
Jess is the contributing editor for Donor Insemination. She writes daily at Life in the White House.
We went for our first RE appt and we were really impressed with the place and pleased with the people. The doctor had looked at our info and decided that IVF with ICSI was our only option due to Matt’s 1st SA results. We went on: Matt did a 2nd SA, I had blood work and U/S done. We're good to go: "Call us on CD1, so we can send the meds on CD21".
20 minutes after we leave...Matt’s cell rings: SA #2 shows NO sperm. IVF is now on hold until he has a testicular biopsy and we get those results. Now we don't know where we stand...obviously no IVF. We'll be waiting at least a month before the TB...to find out whether or not we can even have children.
Matt is so devastated (he's already having a lot of depression issues since he's not working because of his back); this on top of everything is killing him. He's already told me he doesn't understand why I'm still here...how he can't give me a child or work because of his back.
I'm beyond upset by the results, but I'm more worried about him and how hard he's taking. GRR!!! Why couldn't this be easier?!
We talked a little bit about what we'll do if there are no sperm. Donor sperm is not an option for us. I just do not feel comfortable with having a child that is mine and some other man's: Just feels too much like I cheated on Matt to have a baby. Matt did say though that he doesn't want to rush right in to adoption; that he wants to wait a while. I agree 100%: We need time, if no sperm is the case, to mourn our never having kids.
Right now I'm just dealing with my own anger, fears, and frustrations. I certainly have no idea what God's plan is in this...or why teenagers and crack-heads can get pregnant at the drop of a hat, but stable, married couples can't. Obviously I'm really struggling with that: The injustice. I try not to doubt God's plan, but it's hard when this one thing makes it seem completely flawed and illogical.
Matt has every reason to be someone who has given up all hope for anything: But he hasn't. After the past two years of IF and year of pain (back) he's been beaten down in life further than any other man I know. The two biggest things for men are to be able to provide for their family and to protect them: Matt can't work and we can't have a family.
Friday (2/1/08) night was scary though. I got home from work and it was obvious that Matt hadn't done much other than lay on the couch. The house smelled of BO, stale smoke, and liquor. I had asked him how many glasses of wine he had and he said 1. At this point he got up off the couch and locked himself in the bathroom with the shower running. I kept trying to talk to him and he wouldn't respond. After 30 minutes of this I told him if he didn't open the door I was going to bust it down. He unlocked it. I went in and he was just laying on the bathroom floor...curled on the floor, naked. We just sat there for a long while. He just burst into tears:
Finally it came out...all his fears and anger at all that is going on in our life. How he promised my father that he would protect me, take care of me, and provide for me and how he can't do that: How he's worthless and a failure. It broke my heart, because I know in part his emotions are my fault. I try to be understand and supportive, but there are times when I get frustrated too and I vent and I shouldn't.
We've since called both of our parents and told them the results. No one knows what to say to us, other than the "I'm sorry". I don't even want to talk to anyone about it. I mostly just want to ignore everyone and become a hermit. There's just so much anger in me.
Jess is the contributing editor for Donor Insemination. She writes daily at Life in the White House.
Jess's Story
Jess is the contributing editor for Donor Insemination. She writes daily at Life in the White House.
My husband and I met nine years ago, in high school: He was in band and I was doing a recitation for a piece they were playing. It took almost another year before either of us got up the nerve to ask out the other. Five and half years later we were married, this November we’ll be married three years.
We’ve always wanted a big family. We both have 1 brother and 1 sister, but wanted more than 3 children for ourselves. People told us we were crazy when we said we wanted 4, 5, or 6 kids. We never, seriously, thought we’d have problems having children. My in-laws tried for 6 years to have kids before getting pregnant naturally with all 3 of theirs: My father in law had a varicocele, which they think was the problem. We knew we might have some issues, but never thought we would never have fully biological children.
On May 3 (2008), we received a phone call from my husband’s urologist with the results of his testicular biopsy: There were no sperm present in the testes and no sperm were being produced. My husband was officially sterile and could not have children, with no explanation as to how or why. We were devastated. We thought they would find some sperm and that we would be able to continue with IVF/ICSI. Now we were faced with the several choices: donor sperm, embryo adoption, or domestic/international adoption.
We had always planned on adopting internationally when we were older (you have to be 30 to adopt from China: We have 4 years to wait). We didn’t want to wait 4 more years, after already trying for almost 3. While we are saving for adoption we don’t have enough money to go forward with that just yet. The obvious choice for us became donor sperm.
The urologist had been suggesting donor sperm all along, but I was VERY uncomfortable with the idea of another man’s sperm being in my body, that I was somehow cheating on my husband. My husband, while disappointed at the reality of not having a child of his own, was all right with the idea of donor sperm. After a few months and lots of discussions we decided that donor sperm was the best choice for us, at this time.
Yes, we’re still saddened by the reality that we will never see a child that has features of both of us, that I will never had a child with my husband’s eyes, but you move forward.
We’ve just had our first unsuccessful medicated (100mg Clomid; Ovidrel; Crinone) donor IUI (DIUI). We’ve given ourselves a limit as to how many IUIs we’ll do, but already we know that we’ll do what we have to build our family.
My husband and I met nine years ago, in high school: He was in band and I was doing a recitation for a piece they were playing. It took almost another year before either of us got up the nerve to ask out the other. Five and half years later we were married, this November we’ll be married three years.
We’ve always wanted a big family. We both have 1 brother and 1 sister, but wanted more than 3 children for ourselves. People told us we were crazy when we said we wanted 4, 5, or 6 kids. We never, seriously, thought we’d have problems having children. My in-laws tried for 6 years to have kids before getting pregnant naturally with all 3 of theirs: My father in law had a varicocele, which they think was the problem. We knew we might have some issues, but never thought we would never have fully biological children.
On May 3 (2008), we received a phone call from my husband’s urologist with the results of his testicular biopsy: There were no sperm present in the testes and no sperm were being produced. My husband was officially sterile and could not have children, with no explanation as to how or why. We were devastated. We thought they would find some sperm and that we would be able to continue with IVF/ICSI. Now we were faced with the several choices: donor sperm, embryo adoption, or domestic/international adoption.
We had always planned on adopting internationally when we were older (you have to be 30 to adopt from China: We have 4 years to wait). We didn’t want to wait 4 more years, after already trying for almost 3. While we are saving for adoption we don’t have enough money to go forward with that just yet. The obvious choice for us became donor sperm.
The urologist had been suggesting donor sperm all along, but I was VERY uncomfortable with the idea of another man’s sperm being in my body, that I was somehow cheating on my husband. My husband, while disappointed at the reality of not having a child of his own, was all right with the idea of donor sperm. After a few months and lots of discussions we decided that donor sperm was the best choice for us, at this time.
Yes, we’re still saddened by the reality that we will never see a child that has features of both of us, that I will never had a child with my husband’s eyes, but you move forward.
We’ve just had our first unsuccessful medicated (100mg Clomid; Ovidrel; Crinone) donor IUI (DIUI). We’ve given ourselves a limit as to how many IUIs we’ll do, but already we know that we’ll do what we have to build our family.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
