Monday, August 4, 2008

Cheated

This post probably isn’t fit for anyone to read. It’s something I’m trying to work through, emotionally and intellectually. It feels ugly to me and I’m more than a little ashamed of it. If I don’t get it written down, though, I’ll just keep dwelling on it. Sure, I don’t have to publish it, but my goal here has always been blatant ugly honesty. Just don’t read it, ok?

I feel cheated out of too many things. I was cheated by infertility, denied the ability to conceive a child without major medical intervention. I’ve written about this before and I’d more or less managed to come to terms with my feelings about it. Until now. Now, it’s one more tic mark in the column of things I feel cheated out of.

I was cheated out of the pregnancy experience. Yes, there were a few incredible moments that I’ll never forget, but they’ll always be shadowed by the vomiting and the illness. The second trimester, when things were supposed to improve will forever be lost in the fear of the gallbladder surgery and then the membrane rupture. I had one good week in all of that…one week of feeling good. One week of no vomiting, of a healthy, pregnant appetite. One week.

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Allison is the contributing editor for Neonatal Death. She writes daily at Our Own Creation where she chronicles not only the life and death of her twins, Lennox and Zoe, but her world beyond.

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6 comments:

Helen said...

I've followed your blog for a while but always generally felt it was selfish of me to comment, based on my position and on yours.

I still feel selfish in commenting, that I would in any way try to ease or edge in on your grief. I just wanted you to know that this post is the single most real post I have ever read, and that I was frozen as I read it, feeling with each paragraph how you honestly were cheated, and how very much I hurt for you.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Cheated is the perfect descriptor. Infertility robs us of so much ... and often it's the littlest things that magnify the losses the most.

Julia said...

Once again, I got nothing but "I am sorry." Because I am, and because all of this is so bloody unfair.

luna said...

this post just drips with sincerity and truth. "cheated" really says so much. thank you allison, for continuing to tell your story here.

Neenie/PawsNY said...

Your post- your words- are- and please don't take this the wrong way- beautiful. You are 110% correct with everything that you say and you have been cheated and you are so right about everything. But you have put all that pain together in a beautiful way. I agree with you and I admire you for your strength even though you may feel weak as hell at times...you're a strong woman.

Delenn said...

Like Helen, I have followed your blog for a long time, but never felt that I could post.

You wrote very eloquently on such a hard subject. I have only felt 1/1,000,000th of your emotions, but I sympathize with you and hope for better things for you.