I had no idea it was Passover this weekend until my mom asked if we were going to do anything to observe. Needless to say, my answer was an emphatic "no". All of my expectations for every holiday in my future included us with the Doodles. If I can't celebrate them that way, I don't want to at all. I thought we'd have a wonderful Christmas (yes, we celebrate Christmas too) with two 6 month old babies, that they'd be playing with their cousins, opening their first presents. It would be too painful to try and have a holiday without that - it would just be a reminder of how different our life is from how it was supposed to be. I don't think I'll be able to normally celebrate another holiday until I am pregnant and/or have a baby. Not that another baby would replace the Doodles and make everything better, but it will give me something to focus on, to celebrate for, besides myself.
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Busted is the contributing editor for Loss. She writes daily at Busted Babymaker where she tells her infertility story as well as the story of the Doodles, her boy/girl twins (Noah and Talia) who were born at 23 weeks due to placental abruption.
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1 comment:
Holidays are so harder after a loss - any loss - I remember after my first hsband died just wanting to skip that first round of holidays. And this year my daughter's miscarriage was just a few weeks before Passover and I thought we would not celbrate, but she and her husband wanted to have the sedar anyway and we did, at their house, a quiet sedar with tears interspersed. I don't have any wisdom here - just a thread of connection tweaked by your post.
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