The Road Less Travelled

Edited from Life in the White House:

We went for our first RE appt and we were really impressed with the place and pleased with the people. The doctor had looked at our info and decided that IVF with ICSI was our only option due to Matt’s 1st SA results. We went on: Matt did a 2nd SA, I had blood work and U/S done. We're good to go: "Call us on CD1, so we can send the meds on CD21".

20 minutes after we leave...Matt’s cell rings: SA #2 shows NO sperm. IVF is now on hold until he has a testicular biopsy and we get those results. Now we don't know where we stand...obviously no IVF. We'll be waiting at least a month before the TB...to find out whether or not we can even have children.

Matt is so devastated (he's already having a lot of depression issues since he's not working because of his back); this on top of everything is killing him. He's already told me he doesn't understand why I'm still here...how he can't give me a child or work because of his back.

I'm beyond upset by the results, but I'm more worried about him and how hard he's taking. GRR!!! Why couldn't this be easier?!

We talked a little bit about what we'll do if there are no sperm. Donor sperm is not an option for us. I just do not feel comfortable with having a child that is mine and some other man's: Just feels too much like I cheated on Matt to have a baby. Matt did say though that he doesn't want to rush right in to adoption; that he wants to wait a while. I agree 100%: We need time, if no sperm is the case, to mourn our never having kids.

Right now I'm just dealing with my own anger, fears, and frustrations. I certainly have no idea what God's plan is in this...or why teenagers and crack-heads can get pregnant at the drop of a hat, but stable, married couples can't. Obviously I'm really struggling with that: The injustice. I try not to doubt God's plan, but it's hard when this one thing makes it seem completely flawed and illogical.

Matt has every reason to be someone who has given up all hope for anything: But he hasn't. After the past two years of IF and year of pain (back) he's been beaten down in life further than any other man I know. The two biggest things for men are to be able to provide for their family and to protect them: Matt can't work and we can't have a family.

Friday (2/1/08) night was scary though. I got home from work and it was obvious that Matt hadn't done much other than lay on the couch. The house smelled of BO, stale smoke, and liquor. I had asked him how many glasses of wine he had and he said 1. At this point he got up off the couch and locked himself in the bathroom with the shower running. I kept trying to talk to him and he wouldn't respond. After 30 minutes of this I told him if he didn't open the door I was going to bust it down. He unlocked it. I went in and he was just laying on the bathroom floor...curled on the floor, naked. We just sat there for a long while. He just burst into tears:

Finally it came out...all his fears and anger at all that is going on in our life. How he promised my father that he would protect me, take care of me, and provide for me and how he can't do that: How he's worthless and a failure. It broke my heart, because I know in part his emotions are my fault. I try to be understand and supportive, but there are times when I get frustrated too and I vent and I shouldn't.

We've since called both of our parents and told them the results. No one knows what to say to us, other than the "I'm sorry". I don't even want to talk to anyone about it. I mostly just want to ignore everyone and become a hermit. There's just so much anger in me.

Jess is the contributing editor for Donor Insemination. She writes daily at Life in the White House.