Disruption - A Failed Mom's Look Back

I've chickened out on this post for over two weeks. I even posted that I was going to post it in an attempt to dare myself into hitting publish and still it sat in my drafts list, taunting me. I've rewritten and deleted these introductory paragraphs endlessly. I've tried to explain or justify some of the things I wrote, to soften them, to give background, out of fear that some one reading who is unfamiliar with 'attachment related behaviors' will not understand and will label me cruel. Fear that some one will think she didn't love enough, she was too strict, too soft, too whatever, they should have known what they were getting into, they should have (fill in the blank). I've heard it all. Maybe it doesn't matter what you know about the subject, maybe I am cruel, strict, soft, naive, cold, take your pick.

This is actually an essay that I submitted to my favorite parenting magazine, Brain, Child. They didn't reject it and asked if they could hold it for a while, but I haven't heard from them in months. My carefully controlled excitement (wild joy) has dissolved into mild disappointment (I'm crushed). Yes, I would have liked to become a published author, especially in a medium that I respect so much. What I really would have loved is to reach out to such a large audience on the issue of adoption disruption because I know that there are other mothers out there struggling with this decision or the emotional aftermath and I know how alone and judged they feel.

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Stacey is one of the contributing editors for International Adoption. She writes daily at Is There Any Mommy Out There? where she discusses life with her adoptive, multiracial family.