Sunday, September 7, 2008

No, I Will Not Shut Up About Adoption Activism!

I haven't talked much about Sam's first family here on Ye Olde Blogge for a number of reasons. Part of it is because his story belongs to him and I want to hold it in trust for him and give it to him in pieces as he grows, so that he hears it from us and not from random strangers. It doesn't seem fair that the whole world should know his life's history before he does. I also feel pretty strongly that T. & E. deserve their privacy, something that I'm finding a lot of people in my day-to-day life don't really understand.

I know that their desire to know more about Sam's first parents isn't necessarily motivated by malice. And I know that the stereotyping they do is because they are uneducated about adoption and because they think if they diminish T. & E., they increase my role as Sam's "forever mother." But I just can't let it go. I feel protective of T. & E. I want to shield them from people's inquiries and I know it's aggravating for folks (heck, I'm pissing a lot of people off these days!) but honestly? It's none of their business. T. & E. chose to place their son into our care, yes. They didn't choose to be stereotyped and have their personal lives exposed along with it and I won't be a party to that.

Case in point: we were at a gathering a week or two ago. An older friend came over to coo at Sam and rejoice with us that our long wait was over. I mentioned that we'd been having some trouble finding a formula that he liked and we'd recently switched to a specific brand on the advice of Sam's firstmom. T. had said it worked like a charm for Sam's brother. Our friend looked at me and barely missing a beat said: "Oh! Did she give that one away too?"


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Vacant Uterus is a guest blogger at Bridges.


My name is Andy. said...

It is so nice to see adoptive parents protecting their kids privacy and standing up to comments like that!!

Good job.

SeaStar said...

I'm so glad you aren't shutting up about adoption activism. As an adult who was adopted and who knows a bit of the story of my firstparents, and a bit about the lives they live that have nothing to do with me or the choice they made about me, I love what you wrote. As a mother I agree strongly that the children we parent are not "ours" but belong to themselves and God. Sometimes its easy to forget that and become wrapped up in outcomes. Amazing, deep, helpful post. Thank you.

Vacant Uterus said...

Thanks for the support! I got some ugly comments on the original posts that carried over into a hail of ugly emails. (In all fairness, I got a ton of support too and I don't want to minimize that.)

It's encouraging to hear from an adult adoptee perspective that what we are doing is going to benefit Sam in the long run. I strongly believe it will but it's nice to hear that from the other end, too. :-)

SeaStar said...

I'm glad it is helpful to read that I. as an adult adoptee, have felt cared for and supported by an approach about first parents similar to the one you are taking with Sam. I am now alone, know several other adult adoptees who have similar experiences and feelings. I am impressed not only by your views, but by your writing style. And I'm sad you got negative comments on your orignal post. I hope you keep on blogging and sharing.

luna said...

I am so glad this post was shared on bridges. I was disturbed by some of the original comments, which I thought showed a lack of understanding of the complexities in open adoption.