G-d Who Foresaw Your Tribulation

Edited from Life in the White House:

The doctor called yesterday morning (5/4/08) with the results of the testicular biopsy: Matt has no sperm.

So we've had some time to grasp the reality that we won't be able to have biological children, just barely grasping it. I am one of those people who think about every possible circumstance before they happen, Matt is not.

Matt doesn't like to think about anything until it becomes unavoidable to do so. Yesterday, he lay on the couch all day and just vegged. Today, he is angry and frustrated. I can tell because he won't sit still. He's cleaned the house and is now asleep on the couch with the dogs. That's how he deals with things: Works himself to exhaustion and then falls asleep.

I honestly don't know how soon it will be before we can talk about this. I told Matt that I am leaving all of this to him. When he's ready to talk we will, when he's ready to think about our other options we will. I told him that the decision to go ahead with a donor sperm or with adoption are up to him. I feel like that is the least I can do, the only thing I can do, is to give him some control over all of this. So please pray for patience for me. It takes Matt a lot longer to work through things than me.

Before we received the final diagnosis of azoospermia, I was against the idea of donor sperm. To me it seemed as though I was betraying Matt, just to have a child. I could care less if a child is biologically related to me. What I wanted was to see all the wonderful things of Matt in a child: His eyes, his sense of humor, his lips, the way he acts. Now that won't happen, I think that's what I'm "mourning" more than anything: That I will never see him in a child. I don't know if that's the same for all women dealing with azoospermia.

One of the reasons that I would consider donor sperm is to experience a pregnancy. The other option for that route is embryo adoption, but with that there is no guarantee of a live birth...and it's probably more money. Also, it's kind of weird to think about how there is a completely biological family out there. I mean that's the same with adoption and donor sperm, but for some reason it is more blatant to me with an embryo.

I guess, ultimately, if I want to experience pregnancy and birth (which I really want to do) we will have to go the route of donor sperm. Do we continue to add to our family through donor sperm (preferably with the same donor)? I know I would like to adopt, but I don't know how many times we would be able to afford all of this (donor and adoption). We’ve always wanted 3 or 4 kids.

I know I feel very strongly about adoption and feel very strongly called to adopt a little girl from China and a newborn baby through domestic adoption.

The decisions that we need to make about all of this are: How important is it to both of us to experience a pregnancy and birth and how important is it to both of us to experience a newborn baby. I think that first year of life is so precious; that it is most definitely something I want to experience.

Jess is the contributing editor for Donor Insemination. She writes daily at Life in the White House.