Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Life is a Battlefield

Minefield, actually. This is how I have come to view the little triggers that can take me from zero to hysterical in 2 seconds. They are landmines, hidden dangers that I don't realize are there until they've triggered some memory of my pregnancy or the Doodles, and I realize I am crying. The worst part is that they are inescapable because they are everywhere. I was pregnant for so long that there are very few places I didn't go when pregnant, very few things I didn't do when pregnant, and so going those places now or doing those things now simply bring up thoughts of "last time I did this/was here I was pregnant." The things I didn't do while pregnant simply remind me that "I haven't done this in 7 months because I was pregnant."

Take this weekend. We had tickets to see Sweeney Todd (the stage production, not the recent movie) which I'd bought back in February. Thinking of the show reminded me that I'd purchased matinee seats intentionally because I thought I'd be 28 weeks pregnant and wouldn't have the energy for an evening performance. I didn't want to go to the show because I was reminded that last time we'd gone to the theatre (to see Jersey Boys) was the first time I'd clearly felt both Doodles move, and I had been so elated afterwards. After the show I was craving a steakhouse cheeseburger so we went to eat at the restaurant in the lobby of my office (since we'd parked at my office). As soon as we were seated my mind filled with memories of eating lunch with DH at that same restaurant right after we'd received our first positive beta, how excited we were to finally be pregnant. I also looked at the bar and remembered sitting there with clients just 5 or so weeks ago, how proud I felt to not be able to drink because I was pregnant, how happy it made me for people to notice and comment on my belly.

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Busted is the contributing editor for Loss. She writes daily at Busted Babymaker where she tells her infertility story as well as the story of the Doodles, her boy/girl twins (Noah and Talia) who were born at 23 weeks due to placental abruption.

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