So much has been happening in my life these days, yet so little of it pertains to my father any more. There are days, particularly this time of year, where it feels quite strange not to be at odds with something my dad has or hasn’t done. While I’m thankful that things have seemed to come to a point of almost eerie calm, there are times when I let some less-than-productive thoughts in.
I miss my dad so much it hurts at times. I’ve had dreams recently where my dad has found a new family , has sobered up, and has moved on from us. In one vivid dream, I remember asking him, “How can you love them more than you loved us? Why did you get clean for them?” In my heart of hearts, I hope that when and if the day arrives that my dad is actually living a healthy life of sobriety, that he will be in contact with us. At this moment in my life, I’m not sure how I’ll ever be able to forgive him at any point in time, but I would work hard at trying.