Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Facing Fear

I had to go back to the hospital today. I had my appointment for my post partum check up, which we scheduled the day I was discharged. We had the option between making it with the doctor who’d treated me at the hospital or my regular ob/gyn. At the time, we assumed we’d be at the hospital twice a day to visit the NICU, so I might as well have my check-up there as well.

Notice how life never works out that smoothly.

This wasn’t my first return visit after Zoë’s death, but it was my first by myself.

I started feeling queasy on the highway as the exit got closer. I felt my pulse start to race as I turned into the parking deck. The tears started to well up in the elevator and I kept my eyes glued to the floor while I sat in the waiting room.

I managed to get through the questions the nurse asked, including the “and the baby?” But the nurse practitioner, who took care of my problems with my incision broke me. She hadn’t heard the news and I had seen her just the day before Zoë died and told her how wonderfully she was doing.

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Allison is the contributing editor for Neonatal Death. She writes daily at Our Own Creation where she chronicles not only the life and death of her twins, Lennox and Zoe, but her world beyond.

1 comment:

SeaStar said...

Thank you for sharing a powerful step in your grief and recovery journey, Alison - real and hard.