Thursday, September 4, 2008

Guilt

The disconnect between what my brain knows and what I feel emotionally is incredible. My brain understands that I did the best I could do for the babies. My emotions, on the other hand, are having trouble realizing that.

I have always had a mountain of guilt. Even as a small child I have felt guilty for things that I have had no control over. I don't know if I was over sensitive or had an over-inflated ego, but I felt like somehow I contributed to almost everything bad in my world. I felt guilty about everything.

I felt guilty when the class would misbehave when my teachers were gone. Surely the teacher was yelling only at me. I felt guilty because my parents were the only parents still married among my circle of friends. I went for some time not talking about my dad because I felt bad that he was still at home with my family. There was nothing for me to feel guilty about in these situations. I was always too afraid to do anything bad while my teachers were gone. Why should I feel guilty for having a family with two parents? Still, the guilt was there.

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Stacie is the contributing editor for Prematurity. She writes regularly at her personal Heeeeere Storkey, Storkey, where she writes about her life, family, and most especially, her twin boys, Sh.awn and Ja.son, who were born at 28 weeks and 3 days due to PPROM.

1 comment:

SeaStar said...

This is a poignant post, and one with which I can identify - though through different circumstances. When my daughters' father was ill with cancer, and when he died, I felt so guilty tha tmy love was not enough to keep him alife. I felt like a failure. Of course I didn't have that kind of power. Love doesn't keep people alive or babies in. And we wish so that it did and could.