On Saturday night, Sarah, Pete, Charlie and I went to Elise and her husband's for dinner. We had an amazing time--laughing, talking, just enjoying each other. After dessert, we ended up just sitting around the table talking for hours. Something I haven't done since the days I was drinking and drugging...
Maybe that's why I found myself talking about my using days. Elise asked a question, and Sarah and I found ourselves talking about those last few months out there in the drinking world. I've been thinking a lot about my own using insanity lately, so it felt good to just talk about it, to bring it back out into the light and look again with the eyes of someone who's been sober over ten years.
What strikes me the most is how fucking insane it was. I was crazy! When I look at it now, the things I did back then--almost all of them--seem like something only a suicidal lunatic would do. But back then, they seemed completely fucking rational. Really.
Lots of people accuse us infertiles of being obsessed with wanting a child; but honestly, they have no idea what the fuck obsession is.
Obsession is using water from a toilet to mix up the drugs you are going to put into your veins because you cannot go one. more. minute. without it. Yes, TOILET WATER. In my VEINS.
Cecily is one of the contributing editors for Alcohol and Drug Addiction. She writes daily at her personal blog, Uppercase Woman, where she covers not only her 12 years of sobriety, but life with Tori, writing, and all things feminist.